Platonic rules...

These are borrowed (and re-borrowed) from Debauchery Per Se and http://www.thisisby.us/index.php/content/guidelines_for_platonic_friendship. Thanks to whomever sent over the proper link. Enjoy.

If you aren’t sure that your situation warrants these guidelines then determine if three factors apply (quite possibly the worst situation EVER for a guy):

• you’re smitten with her
• she thinks you are a nice guy
• she refuses to have sex with you

1. No hugging for greetings or salutations. Hugging is only allowed for personal tragedies or blessed events when the emotional significance of the situation blocks out the knowledge that your boobies are pressing against me. We have hands; lets shake them.

2. No sleepovers. I think of all women who sleep in bed with me as potential sex partners. I spend all my free time trying to coax women in, so if you get in there, I can.t help but think you want some. If you or I need a place to crash sometime, then we should employ a couch. The breaking of this rule is punishable by instant sex.

3. No seat sharing. When girls sit on the arm of my chair or in my lap or next to me in a one-person seat, it makes me think that she wants some sexing. A possible exception is fitting an extra person in a car that is filled to capacity. I can't let my passion hurt the quest to maximize a designated driver, but be warned; it might not be the seat belt poking you.

4. No flirting. So if you laugh at a joke of mine, it better be a funny joke.

5. No judgment making on any girl that I see. Good or bad, it's the guy friends' job to belittle and pick apart girlfriends, if a woman does this, it means she wants the guy for herself. So you think she is trashy and dumb? Well, you could have dated me but you just wanted to be friends.

6. No judgment making on how I treat any girl I might date, be it for six months, or six hours. You have thrown your log onto the fire of chauvinism in my heart, so you are partially to blame if an innocent girl gets burned.

7. No sparing of my feelings. It's emasculating. Don't worry, you already broke my heart, go ahead and heap more crap on me. I'll turn all embarrassment and pain into bitterness and anger, and then occasionally let it all out in some meat headed act.

8. No setting me up on pity dates. If you truly know of a woman who would be very happy with me and I with her, then we will talk.

9. No being attracted to me. Impossible, I know, but you seem to have found a way, so stick with that. I'm going to be as attractive as possible in pursuit of other women, so if you are going to be seeing me in a bathing suit, you might want to make sure you are on the pill as the breaking of this rule is punishable by instant sex. In fact, don't even tell me I look good as that will torment me for days.

10. No confiding in me about boys. I am not your girl friend; I am your reluctant man friend who officially hates all men that you date now or in the future. Asking for hypothetical guy advice is okay; just don't slam me with details about particular guys you are sleeping with. If this rule seems contrary to rule 7, just remember that I'm a beautifully complex being.

11. No asking for man favors such as furniture moving, yard work, or car trouble help. I don't like to waste displays of extreme masculinity on women who have decided not to sleep with me. In a pinch you can bribe me to do man chores with beer. Please hand me the case as a gift versus doling them out one at a time from your fridge. That keeps it strictly business.

12. Try to avoid incidental contact. I can't outlaw this since there are times when the brush of a leg or a sleeve is purely accidental, but try to be careful. You can take steps to not put your arm in mine while walking or lay against me on a couch or other things like that. Those things would lead me to think you want me to sex you.

13. No asking for massages or neck rubs, that's a lot of foreplay to waste on someone who doesn't want the main event. Besides, shouldn't your boyfriend give you massages? Why aren't we dating again?

14. No dating any guy who treats you bad or neglects you in any way, that's just a slap in my face. I fucking adore you.

15. No judgments on any of my behavior. It would lead me to think you care a little too much about my well being. So I don't want to hear any, "Stop smoking", or "Don't drink so much," or "Don't use women." Of course if I am truly being an asshole in some situation, feel free to clue me in, that's what friends do.

16. You have to let me know immediately if you want to be more than friends. I'm only doing this to respect your wishes. If you ever want more, rest assured that I do too. At any moment we can tear these guidelines up and spend 24 hours doing every imaginable sexy act.

A fun weekend

This weekend one of the fellow interns had some friends in town, so I hung out with three married couples all weekend. Truthfully, it was lots more fun than I anticipated. I find the bickering that married couples do to be really, really funny because it's always about petty stuff, like girls shopping too much or guys buying "stupid electronics."

Thankfully, they liked to gamble, so last night we went out to the Ameristar casino. After an initial downturn on my luck, I rebounded to finish ahead 32.5% (upward revision from initial estimate of 20%).

After a sushi lunch at the trendiest sushi place in KC, Kona Grill (I wish I was being sarcastic, I really do), I rolled around the plaza looking at electronics and tight jeans. After visiting the sony store, I have concluded I'm going to buy a huge-ass 60-70" widescreen plasma with the signing bonus I receive next year. That, in addition to finishing two pitches, was by big accomplishment this weekend.

In other news, I found out my friend Kansas is trekking it to Dallas this weekend to see the family, so 2 crazy nights in Austin will just be 1. I suppose I should go easy on my liver on Friday night so Saturday I can keep up with her (yea right, as if I'm the one who has to worry about that haha). Regardless, Austin should be a pretty good time. Definitely can't wait. Hope the weather holds up.

The Model Wedding

I flew to Houston this weekend to attend my friend Lesley and his fiance Kate's wedding. In a nutshell, it was incredible. Everything was absolutely amazing, from the surprise gift bag I got upon checking in to the wedding hotel, to the service, to the sports-themed reception. Simply amazing. As it happened, the wedding was in Houston and I was out of town this summer, but the truth is that I would have come in from anywhere, like my friend Reza, who flew in from Dubai (!!), to attend this ceremony.

I'll fill in more background later, but the gist is that I felt really proud to be a part of their special day. It was a honor to be there, a ton of fun, and definitely a memory-maker. Congratulations Lesley & Kate!!!!

"Dude, I'll Do Security" -Kansas

I had the most ridiculous conversation with my friend's girlfriend tonight at a bar here in KC. So here's the background: my friend (fellow intern) has a long distance girlfriend who lives in Indianapolis. She flew into KC tonight for the weekend, so I went with another fellow intern and his wife to a bar to meet her. She asks what I do, and I tell her where I work. Then she asks where I'm from...the conversation goes something like this:

Colleen: Where are you from?
Me: Houston, but I live in Austin now because I go to school there
C: Cool! I've been to Texas before, it's a lot of fun
M: Awesome, which city did you visit?
C: Umm, I don't remember...
M: Maybe it's been a long time since you were there
C: No, it was like 3 years ago, but I can't seem to remember the name...
M: ...
C: Oh! Wait, what city did JFK get killed in?
M: you mean Dallas? (incidentally like the 8th largest city in the fucking country!!--I did't say this part)
C: Yes! That's it, I was in Dallas. It was incredible
M: Yea, Dallas is a pretty good time...

Now, maybe this isn't interesting to some of you, but I was floored. I don't know how you forget that you visited freaking Dallas. It's not like you trekked it down to some small Texas town. That's like me telling someone that I went to California in 2004, can't remember the name of the city, but then saying "oh yea, I can't remember the name of the city, but a long time ago Rodney King got beat up there...oh yea, Los Angeles."

I'm going to Houston in a few hours for my friend's wedding. Should be a pretty good time. I can't wait!

Fuck David Beckham

That's it.

Meltodown of the Year

95% of you will not think this video is funny. The other 5% will watch it over and over (at least 3 times). Shannon Sharpe is hilarious, and the NFL Today is the best NFL pregame show on the air right now. Enjoy!

On another note, I just remembered that BOTH the national championship game of college football and the super bowl had the opening kickoff returned for a touchdown. Pretty cool, huh? Of course, there was an obvious holding pentalty that should have been called on Ohio State that would have negated the touchdown. Oh well, they got their asses kicked anyway. I'm happy.

7.7.07

Since this day comes around once every 100 years, I figured I'd better prove I was alive by forever implanting my thoughts in the world wide web by writing a blog. Happy Saturday, bitches.

I wasn't around in 1907 and I probably won't be around in 2107 (although it's not completely outside the realm of possibility - I would be 125 going on 126). But I am around in 2007, so I have been able to enjoy this once-a-century day. Yep, its the supposedly-luckiest day of the year. 7-7-07. Triple 7s, the luckiest combination there is. It blows up the slot machine, gives you 21 in blackjack, and brings good luck to all.

So, in typical fashion, everyone is going to the casino today to put this theory to the test. It all started last night when I trekked it over to AmeriStar at midnight for a little late night gaming. I've never seen a non-Vegas casino so overrun with people. It was ridiculous. Fortunately, all the rent-gamblers were gravitating to the extreme low-limit tables, so I had relatively limited company at the medium ($15) tables. $15 a hand is hardly something to scoff at, but I find that higher limits act as a filter of sorts to dissuade people who don't know how to play from sitting next to you. I generally hate playing with other people, so this helps a bit. In a perfect world, I would have my own table at the casino, with my own private dealer. Yes, I'm kind of high maintenance like that. Actually I'm high maintenance in pretty much all aspects of my life, but I do a very good job of not showing it.

My friend Kansas (who lives in Texas, not to be confused with Jayhawk, although she is also older than I), has asked to be quoted in this blog. So, you readers from random places like Qatar, Saudi Arabia, and South Africa (yes, I track everyone who accesses this page, location and all) can know what some of my other friends are like. Anyway, Kansas made an astute observation about a friend having girl problems when she eloquently observed that, "[my friend] is pussy-whipped but hasn't gotten the pussy yet." Yes, BLove, $600 tix to a concert and no ass is something most of us will not stand for.

No update with Jayhawk. Still need to tag up some parts of my condo, and then find a church in the plaza and tag it there (save it, I already know I'm a terrible person). 7 weeks left to do it. Wish me luck.

For those of you who care, I got to see three fellow classmates in KC today! I'm meeting the other two in half an hour in the plaza. I can't wait! I've always found it funny that people can travel thousands of miles to a distant place and long for familiar faces. Such is my case, and I suspect is also the case for many others.

Finally, I offer three truths for everyone to remember:

• water will always be wet
• the sky will always be blue
• the Astros will never get a man home from 3rd with less than two outs

Stay up y'all.

Chris Does America

On this, the 231st anniversary of our nation's birth (translation: beat that British ass), I feel it necessary to comment on my most recent almost-purely-American experiences..

Nothing seems like a more appropriate way to celebrate America than a GODDAMNED TELEVISED EATING CONTEST. Yes, today the annual Coney Island hotdog eating contest is being televised (by ESPN). Why?!? Who the fuck is watching this (besides me b/c, let's face it, it's comewhat interesting)? And does anyone find it funny that a Japanese dude always wins this thing? America has the most gluttonous eaters on the planet. We should win this competition, particularly because Kobayashi is injured this year (arthritic jaw). Incidentally, someome just likened Kobayashi's comeback efforts today to Willis Reed's (!!) comeback during the '75 NBA finals. And how low on the media totem pole do you have to be to draw the hotdog eating contest assignment? So instead of spending the 4th with your family (or mistress - hey, I'm just being realistic), you end up having to interview people about cliche sports shit: passion for the "sport", mental toughness, competitive advantage - as it relates to eating a frank.

Second, to kick off my 4th, last night I went to a casino...the trashiest casino I've ever been..and I loved it..

I'll explain...

Ordinarily (i.e. at a casino where fewer than 60% of the patrons are gambling their rent money, wearing jorts or t-shirts and caps with references to NASCAR, or to the states of Missouri or Arkansas), free drinks are served, people clip their toenails, wear makeup, talk normally. Such was not the case at the Harrah's off I-210 last night.

Two things clued me in that this might not be the classiest casino. First, the presence of a bar at the entrance to the casino. Yes, you were encouraged to purchase your $3.00 beer before you sat at the table. Next, and this floored me - the casino was paging dealers and such over a very audible PA system. I've never heard a PA in a casino before, and it felt more like I was at Home Depot than anywhere. Truly filthy.

Of course, I went to this casino by myself. The roomate isn't much of a gambler and the other two interns were doing stuff with their wives. As is also the case, I get hit on by nasty ass bitches. In this case, a woman in her mid 40s. A smoker (no, she really smoked cigarettes, it was disgusting), dirty bleach blonde hair, and kinda chubby. She didn't really know how to play blackjack, so I helped her out, not because I'm nice, but because I didn't want her play to fuck up my cards. As is also the case when I give blackjack advice, she starts winning. I continue winning. Then she gets friendly and congratulates me by nudging me on my arm after I win a hand. Didn't mind it at first because I think it's collegial. I keep winning (she does too) and she starts calling me "Lucky Guy" and, instead of the little arm nudges, she elects to begin softly squeezing me on my arm after a victorious hand. This was a little weird. Of course, since I'm a guy, I had a devil/angel moment. The devil said, "Chris, it's yours if you want it." (It had come up in coversation that she had a "very nice" room at the casino). The angel said, "Chris, this bitch is nasty. What the fuck are you thinking? You have a good thing going with Jayhawk. Chill out, brother."

So, as the story ends, I let it go, played it off, had a good time, then came home. I am currently watching baseball (very American of course) and reading the college football preview magazines I bought yesterday. Later, I will eat barbeque and watch some fireworks later tonight. Then it's back to work!

Friday

Not much to say on this wonderfully shitty Friday afternoon in KC. It's rained all week and I'm in a bit of a sour mood because of it. Anyway, a few things of note..

1st, I forgot to mention that Jayhawk has fake jammers...and they're wonderful

2nd, I finished my first rotation at my firm today (no, you may not ask where I work, it's a buy-side shop, that's all you need to know), and will be starting my second of three next week

3rd, I want to point out the new blog I have linked to (look at the right side of the page under "Blogs of Interest". everyone go visit alt/tab

4th, Jayhawk has fake jammers...and they're wonderful

5th, (and I openly admit I probably shouldn't talk about this here) I am starting to feel guilty about having Jayhawk over to my apartment when my roomate is around. I've never had a roomate before, so bringing a girl around was never an issue for me. Now it's slowly becoming one. My bed squeaks, the headboard hits the wall, we've got wood floors throughout the place, so our little "activity" is loud as hell. Moreover, Jayhawk is not exactly the quietest girl, so even when I turn music up to drown the noise out, it doesn't do much. And I kind of feel bad. If anyone has advice on how to handle this (so far I've just said "fuck it" and continued on my way), I'm all ears. Except you Gris, I've heard the shit you and NT pulled at UVA (bang the girl hard till the picture hanging ON THE OTHER SIDE OF THE WALL falls on your other roomate, so so mean...thought I forgot about that didn't you). :-)

6th, Jayhawk has fake jammers...and they're wonderful

Jayhawk

I'm not doing a very good job of writing in this thing with any degree of regularity. I will, however, pleadge to write in it at least once per week - I can't promise it'll always be good, but it will always be real.

I came home early last night and started to write a blog, but hit some random button and erased it all, so I'm sitting here with an icepack on my crotch (the result of an incredble 36-hour sequence, interrupted only by something called "my internship"), watching ESPN, and finishing some leftover KC barbeque (delicious) while trying to think of exactly I wanted to talk about last night. So, since I can't, I'll give you guys an update since I last wrote.

I've taken a lot of shit, particularly from my friend Jayhawk(HOT 37 y/o coog I just met here) for dissing the chicks here. The reality is that there are a few decent looking girls. They all go out in the plaza at night. There's exactly one "posh" club here, and yes, everyone and their mother tries to go. The place requires reservations, so you can't go there on a whim. So I am here formally declaring that KC does have good looking chicks, so, Jayhawk, stop giving me shit about it :-)

In other news, I've sported both my "T R A I N W R E C K" t-shirts recently, and explained to at least three people the tragic tale behind the shirt. I'm still grateful that Christine made the shirts for me. Those have been major hits for me, and I can't thank you enough :)

So finally I remembered what I wanted to talk about. Most of you know I am working at a mutual fund this summer. That means I am picking stocks and generally following the market. I've always followed the market (liked to do it), and normally I know what it's doing during the day. So, on this particular day (like my 2nd day of work, by the way), I spend my morning in a bunch of stupid-ass HR meetings and I finally get out of them for lunch. After lunch, I find myself in the elevator with two other guys. One is going to floor 10 and the other is going to floor 16. Floor 16 is the top floor in the building. It's the executive floor. It's also where I am doing my first rotation. So yes, if you put 2 and 2 together, you've figured out I am sitting on the executive floor. I have told some of you (e.g. UCLA, Gris) about another something that's come from my sitting on the executive floor, closely related to my incredibly sore, currently iced-down balls, but I digress. Anyway, back to the elevator. So, the guys also going to floor 16 casually asks if either of us know what the market was doing that day. I have no fucking idea (remember, I've been sitting in HR meetings all day), but I can't make something up, so I just say that I don't know. The other guy, going to 10, doesn't know either.

...I didn't think anything bad would become of it...

...wrong...

...WRONG

I get back to my desk and ask a girl who works close to me the name and title of the guy (presumably an executive) in the elevator that posed the question. Faithful readers, you know where this is going. The guy turns out to be the fucking CEO!!! Yes, you guessed it, on my second day of work, I'm in the elevator with the freaking CEO (whom I had never met and didn't recognize) and can't answer what should be a basic question for us investment professionals. Granted, I had a legit excuse for not paying attention to the market that morning, but I still felt bad. Hopefull I still have a chance of getting hired. I probably do.

My point is this. You never know who you'll run into everyday. Stay on top of your stuff, be nice to everyone, and everything will be alright.

Page three, hott 37 y/o coog crashed at my sweet-ass condo last night, then sends me a text while I'm at the casino today (yes, for those of you paying attention, my Saturday has consisted of the following:

• wake up next to hott 37 y/o coog
• do hott 37 y/o coog
• do hott 37 y/o coog again
• do hott 37 y/o coog again
• eat some good-ass barbeque
• do hott 37 y/o coog again
• change clothes after coog leaves
• go to casino and play blackjack

I like how this day is shaping up. Anyway, the text says "thx 4 the 'tour de christopher', i wanna ride again sumtime." I think I could get used to this, which is probably what Nelly meant in his old hit, "Midwest Swing."

Finally, I will be in Austin on July 27th through July 29th. My bday is the 31st. Actually, one of the dealers at the casino shares my bday. I thought that was nice, then she started dealing cards and killing me at the table. I hope to have better luck next time.

Can't wait to see all of you in Austin or elsewhere soon.

The Start of Summer

It has been a while since I've posted to the blog. Since my past post (May 7), I have:

• finished the school year
• hung out at Hula Hut and in downtown Austin a lot
• studied for and taken Level 1 of the CFA exam
• followed the Spurs' run to what will eventually be another championship
• prepared a little more for my internship
• moved to Kansas City for the summer (the most uneventful 10-hour drive ever)

I went ahead and moved to KC this past Tuesday thinking it would take me a few days to get my bearings and buy all the necessary stuff I need that I forgot in Austin. Doing this, plus getting my car washed and waxed (only to have it rain a day later) took all of 4 hours. So the past two days I have been sitting at home, building little excel models and debating academic finance with various friends to pass the time. I've also spent a good bit of time reading the personals on craiglist.org. They're quite funny. I love the "casual encounters" section. People will go to just about any length to hook up these days.

I'm looking forward more than normal to going out tonight. I really want to see what the KC social scene is like. I mentioned to a friend of mine that, to this point, I haven't seen a hot chick here yet. Thankfully that changed last night when I was at a sports bar watching the Spurs game.

Before I forget, I also found out (from my roomate, also an intern at my company) that my company has a gym on site that can be used free of charge. This is great news to me.

I'm not sure what to do after basketball season is over. We obviously don't get Astros games here. In fact, we get Royals and Cardinals games. I hate the Cards, and the Royals simply aren't very good, so I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place as far as summer sports are concerned. And there's no way I am getting into KC's MLS team.

I start my internship on Monday. I'm looking forward to getting paid better than my banker friends, getting off at 5:30, having my weekends free, and not having to cancel dinner plans (I can hear the collective "Fuck you, Chris" retort from my banker friends already). This means I can hopefully visit some of you guys over the summer, and I'll have time to entertain guests who decide to come to KC (that's a plug, I'd like as many people as possible to visit me this summer - free place to stay, I have my car, etc).

Ok, that's it. I'm gonna take a nap. I'll keep everyone up to date on what happens during my summer.

My Style: The Story of Chris's Wristwear

There was a time when I was extremely shy, never talked to anyone, found it extremely making friends, or even meeting people randomly. There are still traces of these traits that remain with me, and I suspect they will for the rest of my life. So when I was in high school I noticed that whenever I met people, I noticed small things about them. The color of their belt, any cool-looking shoelaces, a pattern on someone's tie, a girl's earrings, etc. This got me thinking, what could I do to make myself stand out?

My quest for the answer took years...

For some reason I've always like wearing rubber bands, like my once-favorite NBA player, Mario Elie, used to do. I started wearing them literally because he did, so when people asked me why I wore them, thats the story I told them. Every once in a while I would vary the colors so there'd be some variety, but that was about it. On my right hand (I'm left-handed) I normally wore a watch, but, after reading Dennis Rodman's "Bad as I Wanna Be," and learning that he never wore one, I also stopped. Don't ask why I thought Dennis Rodman was the man. Look, I was young and impressionable...

...anyway, just about all of you are well aware that I wear wristbands. So here's why...

In the fall of 2002, during my senior year at Texas, I played in a video game tournament one Friday afternoon after class. The tournament was sponsored by EA Sports, who, as you might imagine, showed up with a shitload of giveaways, some of which were wristbands. I picked up a ton of different gifts. On my way home that afternoon I tripped on one of the disgusting West Campus sidewalks and landed awkwardly on my wrist. It hurt - bad. But it was just a sprain, not a fracture...

...that night, as I got ready to go to my friend P's party, my wrist was killing me. So I popped a couple pills and put the wristband on to help stabilize it. The effect was better than I ever imagined...

..as I mentioned earlier, I've always been kinda shy, so it wasn't like I was agressively hitting on girls at this party. But, similar to my thoughts in high school, the wristband gave people an icebreaker for me. The effect was incredible. I'd had some good nights in college, but mostly due to my own work. Never had I had so many chicks (hot ones, too) come up to me to start conversations. I was floored. The wristband broke the ice and then Chris ran the table. That night was one of the best in my college days, and in no small part was it because of that wristband. Remember, I'm kinda feeling like shit - my wrist is badly sprained and I'm not in the greatest of moods, but trusty wristbands saved the day (well, night)....

...so that's why I wear it: to give people something to hang on to, to start conversations. At this point I've started coming up with ridiculous replies to the question, "Why are you wearing a wristband" because it's fun. Of course, sometimes I actually need a wristband when I start sweating at a dance club (see: Spill last night), but mostly its just so chicks notice and approach me instead of the other way around. I'll admit, I have a small ego and don't like rejection, so I don't approach every chick I want to...

...in case you were wondering, I got crushed on my advanced corporate finance test last night (I don't even wanna see the grade), but I'm finished with school. The first year is too fast...

...on the other hand, I am completely free for the next 3 weeks before I move to Kansas City, so if you want to do something, my schedule is mostly clear. I'll be studying for my CFA exam, but can make time for y'all...

Sexy Killer

As I sit here watching the Warriors get their ass beat by the Mavs and sipping on the nastiest white wine I've ever had (do not EVER buy Yellow Tail Chardonnay 2005 vintage - it's fucking awful), I reflect on a rather strange day. Pretty much all day I doubted the whole "April showers bring May flowers" principle I learned as a kid because the weather was so bad (what is it with this horrible weather we're having? This is a serious buzzkill.). I mean, it's the first of May and it looks like NYC outside - gray skies with a nagging drizzle.

Anyway, after the typical boring ACF class, I did some reading and rolled into my weightlifting class. This is the last week of school and there's exactly one hot chick in there and, yep you guessed it, I waited until today to finally talk to her. But that's neither here nor there. So I roll out of class a little early to get my much anticipated fitness test. What I am about to tell you may shock you, but it looks like my efforts these past few months have paid off..

people, I am 7.88% body fat.

That's right, I am once again a prime physical specimen. No you can't touch me tomorrow when you see all 144lbs of my lean, mean, sexy ass rolling around campus. Except if you're hot.

I'll admit I was a little surprised. I knew I was losing fat and gaining muscle mass, but I figured I would be around 9% or 10%. This is great news. My fast food hiatus combined with fierce determination to get back in shape and the assumption of a healthy diet are paying dividends. Now I just wish I were 6 inches taller so I could play football (as a safety or other DB, wiseass).

So that was the good news of the day. Now for the better news (save the comments, I already know I am going to hell for this one)...

...many of you know how much I hate housecats (I like tigers, ocelots, jaguars, lions). As it was, I was driving home from school when this stupid-ass feline decided to park itself in the middle of the road I was barreling down. The two cars ahead of me gently swerved to avoid hitting it. I thought the bastard would get the hint and get out of the way. Unfortunately, rationality was not with this idiot. As I approached him from 50 feet away I had serveral brief flashbacks of my roadkill history. I remembered March 2000 driving back from the Salt Lick when my friend P took out a cat sprinting across the road, I remembered May 2005 driving to Kansas when this dumb-ass coyote decided he was up for the challenge. Bits of his spine are still in my car grill...

...I returned to reality just in time to hear cat bones crunching under my right front tire. It felt like a little speed bump. My right back tire, probably a bit jealous, managed to get a piece of the action. Let's call it the cleanup hitter...

I drove a little faster than normal the rest of the way. For one, I don't know if anyone saw me. This cat died a quick, painless (well, probably not painless) death. And, since it refused to move out of the way for the two cars ahead of me, it was probably retarded. So in that sense, I put a retarded housecat out of its misery and did my part to help control the pet population (shouts out to Bob Barker). See, I'm a good samaritan.

The rest of Tuesday was normal. I have a shitload of work to get done for finals. I can't believe I'm just about done with my first year (I'm drafting a blog about this and will publish soon).

Stay up y'all.

Lyrics I am feeling at the moment:

Everytime your name was brought up
I would act all nonchalant infront of an audience
Like if you was just another shorty I put the naughty on
But uh, truth be told you do me for a loop, this Hov
I'm too old to be frontin when I'm feeling Denzel
And you acting like you ain't appealing but you are
Stuting like you ain't my only girl but you are (I was just frontin)
I'm ready to stop when you are
--from "Frontin'" by Pharrell featuring Jay-Z

Memories

I was at each of these games. Oh, the memories.

Control

I didn't think it could get worse. But now she's starting to believe in her cause. Guys, run for cover.



Lessons for men and women, courtesy of Ms. Tylor (these are direct quotes):

• If the man ain't comin', he gonna be goin' somewhere else, puttin' his penis in someone else
• A lot of women will laugh and talk about a man if his penis is small
• Just because a man is in love with your vagina doesn't mean he's in love with you
• A lot of us get caught up on the dick
• Dick will make you slap somebody
• The penis is a heat-seeking missile, like a rocket. Information is encoded in it making it do what it do
• Men launch their penis up in the vaginal canal. As a woman relaxes and breathes and sits on that penis and rock and move and rotate and find her rhythm and go up and down and back and forth and around in a circle, she starts getting her groove back
• When the parts of penis hit them vagina walls, harmonizing and making them sing, a woman feels like she's in church jumping and shouting
• Dick'll make you lose control

I don't know why I think this is so funny. I'll write about different shit later.

Farm Animals

Don't ask me why I just did this, but I went and looked up a "Jackrabbit." I didn't know what it was. and I must say that it doesn't look like a sexy object at all. So if you're also curious, go here. I met a 45 year old in Vegas this weekend who owns a lingerie store in New Orleans. Told her I would swing by if I decide to go to Jazz Fest next weekend.

Enjoy.

And What, That Plate, What, $2.99?

This is the craziest thing I have ever seen. I'll have to admit that she makes a good point, it's just overly graphic. Hilarious.

Chris Goes to Bar, Meets Accountant, Rediscovers Love of Hot Sauce

Shannon Elizabeth just mugged down with David Allen Grier on live national TV. What a lucky guy...

Anyway, Tuesday nights in Austin are pretty nice because it's $1 beer night at a few hot spots. Last night a few of us rolled up to Cain & Abel's for some general socializing, beer drinking, and being thankful that our 8am Strategy class was cancelled. In short, it was a great time. I got a chance to meet Ryan's chick and Cialis' chick, who, along with her friend, we discovered to be 4th year PPA students that tried to convince us that "PPA kids are the wildest around." Yea right. Us MBAs know how to rock it harder than you imagine.

I got more drunk than I planned to. Since I didn't really eat anything all day, it only took a couple of Budweisers (not Bud Light) to get me going. As a result, I peaced out around 1am despite the fact that Cody's chick's friend was obviously feeling me.

So on my way home I decided to stop into Jack in the Box for the first time in literally 5 months. I got some greasy $0.99 tacos and a spicy chicken sandwich. When I got home I quickly ran out of the packaged hot sauce they give you. Since I was desperate for more, I went through my cupboard looking for more. Thankfully, I had bought a bottle last week at the store, so I drowned my remaining taco and sandwich in Louisiana brand hot sauce. Delicious. It was so good I think I may have had a dream about it. Too bad I don't have a foot fetish, or I'd do a commercial for these guys.

At this point I thought about proclaiming my love of hot sauce on this blog for all the world to see. But it's not necessary. Most of you who read this know me and know I hail (originally) from New Orleans, so it comes as no surprise that I love seafood and all things spicy. My parents have this picture of me holding a 3-lb live lobster when I was 2 years old. I guess I started on day 1.

On a couple of other topics, I am going to VEGAS in 39 hours. Can't wait. Perhaps more importantly, Laura has agreed to take down the "Fuck Off" sign she had aimed at me and let me be her friend again. Which is very good news b/c I thought there was a 1% chance of that happening. My friend Jess says, "Chris, don't fuck that up again." Trust me Jess, I won't.

I Can't Believe You Said That

I found myself in a funny, yet potentially volatile situation a couple of days ago that I wanted to mention...

...As fate would have it, I wound up having dinner with two different people on two consecutive evenings at the same restaurant, let's call them person A and person B. So I had made plans with person A to go to this particular establishment about a week before I actually went. I made plans with person B about 3 hours before I went. Person B suggested this place, and was really passionate about it, so I couldn't really say no. So I went. It was delicious. The next day comes around and it's time to eat with person A. I'm really thinking nothing of it. I've done this before, not by choice but by chance. So I'm thinking it's no biggie...

...I roll inside this joint and I'm greeted by the same hostess from the night before who, instead of saying something like, "Good evening, welcome to [insert restaurant name]," she says, "hey! you were here last night, weren't you"...

Are you fucking kidding me? You seriously just asked me, in front of a different girl, in front of like 6 other people waiting for tables, if I was there last night, presumably with someone else? I almost lost it. But given the situation, I stayed cool and played it off like the cool cat that I am. Thankfully person A was cool about it too. Thankfully. She thought it was kind of funny.

I've never worked in the restaurant business, but I've got to assume that when they train you, they teach you not to call people out like that. This chick evidently had no idea of the potential consequences of words like that. You can fuck up an entire evening (in the best case scenario) or an entire relationship/family/small country (worst case scenario).

So the obvious implication here is that of a cheating scenario. Thankfully, that wasn't my situation. I've told some of you how it's a small fantasy of mine to find myself eating a restaurant when the "Cheaters" TV show van screeches to a halt in front of the restaurant, barges in with their camera crew, and causes a scene [yes, I am a sick bastard].

I'm currently sitting in my advanced corporate finance class, bored as hell, obviously not paying attention. Ryan, to my left, paying attention like a good MBA student, secretly wishes he weren't here. He's probably thinking about getting drunk at Cain & Abel's tonight. Or he might be thinking about a particularly pleasurable sexual experience from 5 years ago. Who knows.

The Weather Man

Yep, Wayne makes it rain.

Sin City, Part 7

Yea, you guessed it, I'm headed to Vegas this Friday....and I can't wait.

So, it's been a while since I've been out there as a student. Normally I went out and balled out of control as a working professional, but this time its back to pure, raw, derrty fun. Someone asked me where I was staying this time, and I told them "the Palace." He asks, "Caesar's Palace?" I shyly look down at the floor and say, "naw man...Imperial Palace." But it's all good. My plan, as usual, is to gamble 14 hours a day, eat a little, drink, and go grizzly (that was for you Benton). It's been a while since I've been out here, click here for pictures of that last trip from August 2005.

My mom asked me to bring her back 10 black chips (a black chip is worth $100). While I can't promise that, I told her I'd get her something. Anything, if any of you cats want something, let me know. Nothing big (shot glass, etc), but just let me know...

..on another note, weather permitting, I am going back to Lake Travis on April 28th (Saturday). Y'all know the number if you're down for a little more jet skiing.

Stay up y'all.

Realization

When I was a kid, I read just about the entire Berenstain Bears collection of books that my parents bought for me. Though they were typical children's books, each one conveyed an important life lesson through its stories. One particular book was subtitled "It's Never Too Late To Correct A Mistake." And throughout some recent events of my own creation, I am reminded of this important maxim.

Many of you have never met my friend Laura. Laura lives here in Austin, and I met her shortly after the beginning of school this past fall. I knew I liked her instantly, but never really got to know her very well because I had just started school and was also trying to meet new friends at school. On occasion, we would hang out, but not very often. At the time, she was dating someone and so I never saw her much.

Recently (within the past 2 months or so) we've started to hang out more, on a much more regular basis, and I've enjoyed it. But, like I knew at the beginning, I knew I liked her, not just as mere casual friends but I knew I wanted to pursue something deeper if it was there. In restrospect I wish I didn't feel that way but you can't really help how you feel. Sometimes I wish I didn't like the color blue so much, but I can't just change. Anyway, I made it pretty clear that I was interested. This was maybe 6 weeks ago. So last night we go to dinner and its going very well when we start to get back on the subject of dating. I knew what she was going to say (just got out of a relationship, not ready for another, want to be single for a while, blah blah blah) so I wasn't surprised to hear it. What did surprise me was my internal reaction to it all...

...So later on we're at a bar with some of her friends and all I'm thinking is I'm not really comfortable with this situation. So I leave. Later on, somehow, I decide that I can't really just be regular friends with a girl I actually like (which still makes a bit of sense to me). So I tell her. She flips out, we argue (over text messages nonetheless) for 4 hours...

...I start to think about what I just said and I realize that I had a moment like Albert Brenneman in the movie Hitch (where he impulsively quits his job during a meeting with Allegra Cole). I overreacted and didn't fully think about the consequences of my actions. I fucked this up badly, and I am trying to undo it. Ultimately, I have realized that you can't cut people out of your life because they don't perfectly fit what you're going after. Laura is a great girl, and I wish I knew a thousand more like her because I (and everyone else) need those type of people. So yes, I am doing the unthinkable of writing her a letter (handwritten, not e-mail), sending flowers, and doing what I can to make this right. Quite simply, she's too good of a friend and way too important to me to say "that's a wrap" on the friendship, and I'm not going to give this up.

This is not an open apology to her, she doesn't even know I have a blog. I just felt like I had to wite this. Today is not a good day. Major sadness.

Boredom (5 hours later)

So you're dying to know how the rest of my evening went. Well, it was pretty much just as I expected. I did some work, watched the first episode of Chapelle's Show, and talked to HMBR for a bit. Then I had 4th meal (yea, I ran for the border).

Wow, two worthless posts in one day. It can't get much worse than that...

Boredom

Fair warning: you're probably better off not reading this. I will save you 5 minutes of your life.

I had a ton of stuff due this week. And somehow I got 85% of it (granted, it was a huge stock pitch) done. So when I got home today I found myself with just about nothing urgent to do. So what do I do when I have nothing to do? Yep, you guessed it, get on AIM. So I start talking on AIM with some people, but then that fizzles out after 28 minutes. Aside: I find it extremely difficult to have even remotely serious conversations over IM. You can't tell sarcasm, you can't hear voice tone, its really difficult.

Anyway, so then I turn on my TV and find (as is normally the case) that it's tuned to ESPN. Evidently the women's basketball championship is tonight, and no I will not be watching. So I flip through my basic cable (which sucks) to find nothing of interest. Then I think about writing in my blog, but initially reject the idea. So I heat up some food, then come back to my computer and rethink the blog thing. So I write and continue to write and I still haven't figured out what to do next. I thought about chilling at a friend's place but they were busy. I'm thinking about actually watching a movie (yes, by myself) but we'll see where that goes. I know you're all anxiously awaiting the details of the rest of my evening. Haha...


...see, I told you it was a waste of 5 minutes. But, since you're here, you might as well poke around my blog as bit. I happen to think you'll like a lot of what's here.

Yes, I Can Float

I am never leaving Austin.

I spent a good portion of the morning and afternoon today, on a particularly beautiful day in the always-lovely Austin, jet skiing (ok, we were on waverunners, whatever) on Lake Travis. Four of us, including myself, two business school friends and one of their brothers made the drive up RR 620 to the lake to reignite our love of all things watersporty. It was fantastic. I wish we could have taken pictures.

I can't imagine doing this at any other school besides Texas (except maybe if I were a Pepperdine MBA). No other city I've lived in offers these types of attractions at a reasonable price, simply amazing. This weekend's Preview Weekend needs to include a day cruise on the lake in what could be a deal-closer for those prespective students looking to be sold on UT and on Austin.

Anyway, I'm planning on doing this again pretty soon (think: within the next 2 to 3 weekends). It's pretty cheap ($65 per hour) and there is always a ton of fun to be had.

Ok, that's it.

My New Kicks

The Puma Future Cat Low's

The Weekend

I haven't written anything of great importance on here in a while....and I'm not changing that here. As I sit here sipping nasty red wine (I'm gonna get my $6 worth, dammit) and jamming out to the newly-discovered Chillout Album (by the way this compilation is fucking incredible), I have decided to reflect on the weekend that was.

The big event I looked forward to last week was the Black & White party. This thing was so big that I went and bought clothes for it (Chris hardly ever buys himself new clothes - more on this later). This party (at Cuba Libre) was as great as advertised. Good drinks, good music, good company. Yea, we got trashed (Jaegermeister, you're my only friend) and went to Spill and other places for a bit before eventually turning it in). So that was Friday.

I woke up Saturday with the type of hangover that makes me want to stop drinking for life. So I decided right then that I was not going out Saturday night. Fortunately, I had gotten Subway for dinner on Friday and had 6 inches of meatball sub goodness to help fight the headache. Then I went to the mall and, for the second time in a week, bought aparrel for myself (unprecedented, I know). In a move that I will openly admit was a complete copy from my friend Beau, I got a pair of bright white Puma kicks. I will only be sport these on select nights.

Saturday night was pretty much exactly as planned. I didn't go out. Just drank some wine and chilled.

Today, for the most part, has been a typical Sunday. I got up at noon, did some homework, and watched tv. Florida and Georgetown advanced to the Final Four to join Ohio State and UCLA in the fight for the national championship of college basketball.

Ok, I have to do a negotiations assignment for tomorrow.

Stay up y'all.

Driving Away The Snakes

St. Patrick's Day was simply awesome. I'll write more later, but I think I should start wearing outrageous shirts like these more often...

Caribbean Summer

I am thinking of taking a trip to St. Thomas or St. Lucia either in June or August 25th through 28th (school starts on the 29th). Think about this and let me know if it something you may be interested in.

That's it for now.

John Legend (and a little DeAngelo) Gets You Laid

I'm blabbering away as I wait for DM to call me, so I want to mention a few things:

1. I got an intership offer with a Houston-based investment management firm. But I declined it. So, I will be at a Kansas City-based investment management firm. Hey, it's only the summer, not permament. And no, I am not crazy. Ultimately, the KC-based firm would allow me to intern on 3 different funds, whereas I would work on just one at the Houston-based firm. I'm not sold on living in KC (actually I don't think I'll like it much), but I feel the opportunity there provides more professional development potential than my other option.

2. If you're a guy and you bring a girl home, throw on some John Legend (or DeAngelo - How Does It Feel when you get back to your (optimally, her) place. You're gonna score. Do not question this. I'm batting 1.000 with this mix. :-)

3. I predict Florida will repeat as champions of the collegiate basketball world. I predict they will defeat Texas A&M 73-67 on April 2nd in Atlanta.

4. I hope all of you are enjoying your spring break.